I have Chiron in Leo
Retrograde in the 12th House. This means my wounded healer (Chiron) is in Leo retrograde. It’s also in the 12th House.
I am realizing that all my life I
wanted to be seen, to be heard, to be appreciated, to be included and to be
noticed. I am also realizing I operate in the opposite of what I truly want. I have
always hid myself, who I am, in fear of being seen, heard, appreciated,
included and noticed. Cognitive dissonance at its finest.
The irony of everything
is I have a Leo Ascendant. I’ve always seen myself as a confident, happy go
lucky, and optimistic person. I still do. I never showed an ugly face in
public, preferring to be happy, regal and proud. I always felt I was born with
confidence and naturally confident (I have an exalted Sun conjunct Mercury in
Aries after all). I still do feel this way. However this is ironic because my
Chiron in Leo Retrograde (astro energy is directed inward) and my Leo traits
are also my greatest sources of pain.
On top of this irony is
even more irony. I have Mars conjunct
Saturn in Aquarius. Which opposites my Leo Ascendant. Mars opposite Ascendant.
Saturn opposite Ascendant. This means that while I presented and felt all these
things my actions often went against my appearance, life outlook and how I saw
myself. Aquarius is the opposite sign of Leo. Oppositions require balance.
As a kid I had all this
confidence but over the years experiences and situations slowly sucked it all
in and made me hide it. As years progress I retreated into myself more and
more. I shrunk myself, made myself small to appease others and myself. As a
child, I used all my fire Plutonian energy including the worst parts of this
energy. That backfired & Junior High I decided to stop using them and try be
as nice and under the radar as much as possible.
This is weird but in high
school I started to think that my confidence was “wrong;” that everyone around
me was insecure, so I needed to be insecure too. Now Mars in Aquarius is
supposed to be all about being an individual in the community and that we are
all equal. Undermining my Leo ascendant. Leo is proud, passionate, energetic, confident,
and bold. Aquarius while still confident and bold is also detached, refined,
and intellectual. Aquarius is more about sitting back and letting others do
them.
I started to limit myself
(Saturn) in Aquarius ways (Mars) through Aquarian traits like detachment,
apathy, and indifference. By the way these are worst traits of Aquarius and
represent the lower planes of Aquarian/Uranian energy. There are plenty of good
Aquarian traits.
College years: Start of
Depression and Delving Deeper in Astrology
I started my depression
in college which also the same time I was delving deeper in astrology. In my depression closely resembles my Saturnian/Aquarian
energy and my Chiron in Leo energy; a part that wants to fit in, hide, to make
myself small in order to be part of the group. All the while secretly wanting
and wishing to feel special and be seen, heard, appreciated, included and
noticed. I didn’t like my college environment and population. I went to a
college that was in a small, homogenous, suburban town; which is opposite of
how I grew up in a BIG, multicultural hustle hard-grind hard urban city.
I had my ideas about what
college was supposed to be and was expecting a passionate and creative
environment. Instead this environment was one of mostly apathy and entitlement.
For the longest time school was my
identity and I placed all my energy, hopes and dreams into getting a good
college. I didn’t give myself the time and space to really think about my
future and my real dreams. In college I realized school wasn’t my identity and
I had to find one (outside school).
While I was losing
myself, I was also finding myself. Astrology made me (and still makes me) feel
special and unique. It makes me feel connected; to myself, to others and to a
higher power (more on that later). I guess this is my way of trying to use my
Chiron in a more useful fashion.
The 12th House Mystery
Going back to my first
statement I have Chiron in Leo Retrograde in the 12th House. The 12th
House is a hidden, mysterious house that acts like both a prison and an escape
tunnel.
I Feel my Chiron
unconsciously/subconsciously. I hide my pain there but my pain is also an
escape. Cancer rules my 12th House so the Moon rules my 12th
House. AKA moon (emotions) are placed there. There is a lot of melancholy,
isolation, retreating into emotional comforts, and mothering others’ emotions.
Depression is not always
a bad thing. It gives me new found self-awareness, shatters illusions, and
allows you to start over. The problem with all this is that you can stay in
this self-awareness for too long and it turns into negative thinking, guilt/shame,
and not taking responsibility for yourself or your choices. I am still on that
negative thinking/guilt/shame part of my depression.
Through my depression I
am more compassionate, empathetic and sensitive to others and their pains. I feel
more comfortable enough to relate to others on an emotional level. I fear
losing these parts of my identity that I created around and because of my
depression.
Chiron in Leo Retrograde
in the 12th House is similar to Chiron in Pisces. My Chiron wound
often times put me in an existential crisis that makes things feel less real
and like I don’t exist. My wound is still unclear to me, even though I’m
narrowing in on it. IT wasn’t a specific event or moment that led to these
feelings. More like a series of people, moments, feelings, and decisions that
led me here. It feels new, like I just discovered this, but this has been going
on for years, aka practically my whole life.
This is where the 12th
House placement comes in more. This is/was all floating in my subconscious. It
isn’t in your face, woe is me I am wounded, welp. In certain periods and times
in my life there was more awareness of this wound. Now and so forth I am trying
to make this a more active present “wound.” My wound present enough that I can
clean it and wear more consciously. As Rumi states, “A wound is where the light
enters.” In my case I have to be aware of the light that my wound provides.
Trans-personal Lesson
It’s not just me with
this placement or feeling these feelings. People the same age as me have the
same Chiron and Saturn placement; so I am sure there are a lot of others that
want to be seen, heard, appreciated, included and noticed. BTW even without
this placement or astrology I am 150% sure lots of people feel this way.
Chiron Retrograde in the
12th House in Leo is trans-personal, other-worldy and enigmatic. Its
physical, metaphysical, conscious, subconscious, and all that hippy dippy shit.
I guess a way to address and work around this wound is to hone, focus on and share your
talents and what you love. Also to develop and honor your spirituality and
spiritual systems. Doing all of this with pride, confidence, and fun.
By the way I am trying to
heal my wound focus on my creativity and talents (like writing). Hence why I
want to put this out there in this way.
Regardless since this is
my trans-personal blog, I want to share and put this out there. Put it in the
universe and activate the healing and life mission of my natal chart. And
perhaps in yours. Thanks for reading.
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