the astrofiend speaks project 2. Plutonian with Leo Rising: Performance

Disclaimer: This is an old ass blog post that I originally written around February/March 2017. It took me until now to finally put it out. Though some things have changed, still very relevant to me.

I went out tonight and it was amazing. After a night out I am EXCITED BUT DRAINED. For the past 8 months I avoided going out for a specific occasion. Anxiety and fear kept me indoors; even though I knew going out would possibly help. 2016 took a piece of me that I will be processing for a while (maybe forever?). The space of this lost piece is temporarily occupied by this intense anxiety and fear.

Regardless I went out tonight and I couldn’t help but notice that it kinda felt like a performance. I went to a museum an artsy, non-formal, uber casual setting where polite conversation, table manners, and attention to detail weren’t needed.

It felt like a performance because the juxtaposition is I am depressed. Not only that but I am a depressed self-aware Plutonian. FYI for those who don’t understand this terminology Plutonian is those with high amounts of Scorpio or Pluto placements. To give you a run-down of my Plutonian-ness

Sun conjunct Mercury in Aries in the 8^th House

Scorpio Moon in the 3^rd House

Mars Square Pluto

Pluto in Scorpio

Scorpio IC with Pluto (in Scorpio) in the 4^th House

Pluto Square Ascendant

Mercury semisquare Pluto

Plutonian energy means something different to different people. Some people think the standard for Plutonian energy is angry manic depressive, violent, sex crazed, suicidal drug addicts with a dash of OCD and borderline personality disorder. This is SO NOT ME. For me I express my Plutonian energy in more subdued, introverted, and introspective ways.

I am also Saturnian but I am more Plutonian than Saturnian. Do a Pullen chart from Astro.com to find your chart dominants btw. Me being Saturnian plays a role and modifies my Plutonian-ness. I also got Venus in Pisces and Mars & Venus in the 7^th House which I feel softens my Plutonian-ness.

Anyway I am deeply Plutonian and I move that way. I am an INFJ (INFP on an off day). My Plutonian characteristics: Introverted, Difficulty Letting Go of Pain and Past Hurts, Grudge holding, need HELLA SPACE TO Reflect & Regenerate. Love of psychology, supernatural/other-worldly topics and subjects. Etc.

Even so, I have a Leo Rising with Jupiter on my Ascendant. My Jupiter is retrograde in Virgo, so I am not swinging from the chandeliers but I’m also not a wallflower either. I like presenting a happy, optimistic face. Btw this isn’t me faking emotions or not being true to myself. When I am out, I am out and I leave the misery home. I am engaged, making jokes, and being fully in the moment. My Sun is conjunct Mercury in Aries; so like duh.

I turn on the charm, hence the performance aspect of it. What’s the point of going out and being with others if you’re going to be a miserable asshole? Stay home and sulk. There’s this weird confidence and energy attached to going out. I feel less self-aware, and self-conscious. I am open and free.

The discord can come when I come home and settle in. I turn it off and delve into my Plutonian-ness. The anxiety, fear, and need to be alone creeps in. FYI too many nights out, too many spaces where I feel like I HAVE to play a role (aka hanging with extended family, dinners, formal occasions) FREAKS ME OUT. As I get older I need more freedom and I thrive in non-formal settings that allow me to be myself. My best settings are art, music, nature, traveling, and academic settings. Places that are experimental and non-judgmental in nature.

Like does this make me less Plutonian? Is there a standard Plutonian behavior that all Plutonians must abide by? That’s not really a question btw. Fuck no, you can like Keeping up with the Kardashians, Hot Pink, and Hallmark Channel and still be an intense Plutonian. Fuck da rules!!!

Random but I feel certain members of my generation (Pluto in Scorpio) are subconsciously trying to out Pluto intensity each other. Like the more depressed and fucked up you are the better and more generationally accepted it is. Some people enjoy being victimize and playing victim. I know that’s a bit weird to say but just pay attention to the 21-33 age group and see what I am saying.

Transpersonal Lesson

Anyway my whole point in all of this is I am understanding my Leo Ascendant more. The ascendant is all about our life outlook and the face we show to the world. I used to think it’s just a mask; but it isn’t. Mask makes it seems like we are wearing our ascendants JUST for show, just for a performance and are faking it. The ascendant is a part of who we are, it isn’t a prop, even those sometimes it feels like a performance. It’s a part of me, an appendage that I can adjust accordingly.

I view the ascendant as a game show host with life being the game. Bright sparkly (or not lolz) game show host personality that steps out onto the world with a unique set of goals and experiences. 

The ascendant as a game show host uses it's personality to make connections/socialize, ask guests questions, get information and knowledge, and  complete game's (aka life) goal.

The ascendant sign perhaps is the type of game, a particular person is interested in or wants to play in. Planets on the ascendant modifies the game (life).

The ascendant as a game show host can also be seen as a tour guide. A spiritual tour guide, your soul/spirit road map, etc. Yes the ascendant plays a role and sometimes wears a "mask." But the ascendant game show host is there to guide you, keep you on track, and make sure you complete your purpose.

A perfect example is what happens when the ascendant game show host gets home after a long day's work. They settle in, remove their uniform, but they go to bed knowing that they learned something new that day, experienced something different, and that tomorrow they can do it again.

The ascendant game show host is like a job too. Some of us have to wear uniforms to work, some of us don't. Regardless of our uniforms (aka masks), we are not hiding (most of the time anyway). I would say that yes sometimes ascendant may appear and feel like a mask. But it depends on the juxtaposition and different nuances in your natal chart. My chart is nuanced to me for a lot of reasons, but the most basic and nuanced reason is I'm a Plutonian/Saturnian mix with Leo Rising and Jupiter on this rising. Leo is bright, fun, and optimistic, my Plutonian/Saturnian mix is dark, serious, and semi-realistic, so at times I feel like I am not being true to myself, and performing.

Regardless our ascendant is our responsibility to our natal charts and to our soul's purpose. My ascendant is like my spirit guide aka game show host. It moves me and allows me to experience the world, my world with lenses/shades that I don’t get to wear every day or all the time. It another way that makes me not only feel unique but also connected. Connected to myself, the world around me, and my chart.

Like what is your rising sign? How do you present yourself to your world? How does you rising sign relate to the rest of you chart.

the astrofiend speaks project 1.B. Chiron in Leo in the 12th House: Feeling Invisible

I have Chiron in Leo Retrograde in the 12^th House. This means my wounded healer (Chiron) is in Leo retrograde. It’s also in the 12^th House.

I am realizing that all my life I wanted to be seen, to be heard, to be appreciated, to be included and to be noticed. I am also realizing I operate in the opposite of what I truly want. I have always hid myself, who I am, in fear of being seen, heard, appreciated, included and noticed. Cognitive dissonance at its finest.

The irony of everything is I have a Leo Ascendant. I’ve always seen myself as a confident, happy go lucky, and optimistic person. I still do. I never showed an ugly face in public, preferring to be happy, regal and proud. I always felt I was born with confidence and naturally confident (I have an exalted Sun conjunct Mercury in Aries after all). I still do feel this way. However this is ironic because my Chiron in Leo Retrograde (astro energy is directed inward) and my Leo traits are also my greatest sources of pain.

On top of this irony is even more irony.  I have Mars conjunct Saturn in Aquarius. Which opposites my Leo Ascendant. Mars opposite Ascendant. Saturn opposite Ascendant. This means that while I presented and felt all these things my actions often went against my appearance, life outlook and how I saw myself. Aquarius is the opposite sign of Leo. Oppositions require balance.

As a kid I had all this confidence but over the years experiences and situations slowly sucked it all in and made me hide it. As years progress I retreated into myself more and more. I shrunk myself, made myself small to appease others and myself. As a child, I used all my fire Plutonian energy including the worst parts of this energy. That backfired & Junior High I decided to stop using them and try be as nice and under the radar as much as possible.

This is weird but in high school I started to think that my confidence was “wrong;” that everyone around me was insecure, so I needed to be insecure too. Now Mars in Aquarius is supposed to be all about being an individual in the community and that we are all equal. Undermining my Leo ascendant. Leo is proud, passionate, energetic, confident, and bold. Aquarius while still confident and bold is also detached, refined, and intellectual. Aquarius is more about sitting back and letting others do them.

I started to limit myself (Saturn) in Aquarius ways (Mars) through Aquarian traits like detachment, apathy, and indifference. By the way these are worst traits of Aquarius and represent the lower planes of Aquarian/Uranian energy. There are plenty of good Aquarian traits. Oppositions require balance

College years: Start of Depression and Delving Deeper in Astrology

I started my depression in college which also the same time I was delving deeper in astrology.  In my depression closely resembles my Saturnian/Aquarian energy and my Chiron in Leo energy; a part that wants to fit in, hide, to make myself small in order to be part of the group. All the while secretly wanting and wishing to feel special and be seen, heard, appreciated, included and noticed. I didn’t like my college environment and population. I went to a college that was in a small, homogenous, suburban town; which is opposite of how I grew up in a BIG, multicultural hustle hard-grind hard urban city.

I had my ideas about what college was supposed to be and was expecting a passionate and creative environment. Instead this environment was one of mostly apathy and entitlement.  For the longest time school was my identity and I placed all my energy, hopes and dreams into getting a good college. I didn’t give myself the time and space to really think about my future and my real dreams. In college I realized school wasn’t my identity and I had to find one (outside school).

While I was losing myself, I was also finding myself. Astrology made me (and still makes me) feel special and unique. It makes me feel connected; to myself, to others and to a higher power (more on that later). I guess this is my way of trying to use my Chiron in a more useful fashion.

The 12^th House Mystery

Going back to my first statement I have Chiron in Leo Retrograde in the 12^th House. The 12^th House is a hidden, mysterious house that acts like both a prison and an escape tunnel.

I Feel my Chiron unconsciously/subconsciously. I hide my pain there but my pain is also an escape. Cancer rules my 12^th House so the Moon rules my 12^th House. AKA moon (emotions) are placed there. There is a lot of melancholy, isolation, retreating into emotional comforts, and mothering others’ emotions.

Depression is not always a bad thing. It gives me new found self-awareness, shatters illusions, and allows you to start over. The problem with all this is that you can stay in this self-awareness for too long and it turns into negative thinking, guilt/shame, and not taking responsibility for yourself or your choices. I am still on that negative thinking/guilt/shame part of my depression.

Through my depression I am more compassionate, empathetic and sensitive to others and their pains. I feel more comfortable enough to relate to others on an emotional level. I fear losing these parts of my identity that I created around and because of my depression.

Chiron in Leo Retrograde in the 12^th House is similar to Chiron in Pisces. My Chiron wound often times put me in an existential crisis that makes things feel less real and like I don’t exist. My wound is still unclear to me, even though I’m narrowing in on it. IT wasn’t a specific event or moment that led to these feelings. More like a series of people, moments, feelings, and decisions that led me here. It feels new, like I just discovered this, but this has been going on for years, aka practically my whole life.

This is where the 12^th House placement comes in more. This is/was all floating in my subconscious. It isn’t in your face, woe is me I am wounded, welp. In certain periods and times in my life there was more awareness of this wound. Now and so forth I am trying to make this a more active present “wound.” My wound present enough that I can clean it and wear more consciously. As Rumi states, “A wound is where the light enters.” In my case I have to be aware of the light that my wound provides.

Trans-personal Lesson

It’s not just me with this placement or feeling these feelings. People the same age as me have the same Chiron and Saturn placement; so I am sure there are a lot of others that want to be seen, heard, appreciated, included and noticed. BTW even without this placement or astrology I am 150% sure lots of people feel this way.

Chiron Retrograde in the 12^th House in Leo is trans-personal, other-worldy and enigmatic. Its physical, metaphysical, conscious, subconscious, and all that hippy dippy shit. I guess a way to address and work around this wound is to hone, focus on and share your talents and what you love. Also to develop and honor your spirituality and spiritual systems. Doing all of this with pride, confidence, and fun.

By the way I am trying to heal my wound focus on my creativity and talents (like writing). Hence why I want to put this out there in this way.

Regardless since this is my trans-personal blog, I want to share and put this out there. Put it in the universe and activate the healing and life mission of my natal chart. And perhaps in yours. Thanks for reading.

theastrofiend speaks project 1.A

theastrofiend speaks project 1.A

Don't know where to start, being how new, scary and spontaneous this all is. I don't know if I can pinpoint the exact moment or thought form that made me take this step and reach out soo publicly  for this project?? :0 !!!!!. Like right now I have knots in my stomach and I feel like an ADHD beast within me that trying to be still. This feeling isn't one of excitement but more of a responsibility to myself and my natal chart.

I've honestly been thinking about this for years, perhaps even when I originally first started writing online almost four years ago (back in 2013). Btw I started this blog 2014, but didn't started seriously writing on here until 2015. 

Anyway as I just said the way I am feeling isn't excitement but more of a responsibility to myself and my natal chart. I feel I have a responsibility first as a writer, an aspiring creative professional to write from the heart. I mean I always write from the heart. Whatever words that I have typed are all me, no questions asked. Even so, apart of me felt like I had to stop myself from writing about myself, my feelings, and my thoughts from a personal basis/perspective.  Even though I secretly wanted to and craved to. Apart of me feels like I got to keep that part of myself hidden away, like I am ashamed or something.

Growing up I always wrote songs and poetry. At some point during adulthood my poetry and songwriting became less and less frequent. 2016 was HARD YEAR FOR ME. A lot of changes, disappointment, disillusionment, fear and bereavement at the core of me. Btw I was going through a Saturn in the 4th House transit (more on that later). Anyway towards the end of 2016, I took the time to sit down and organize my stuff. That's when I rediscover about hundred of my old songs/poetry that I have written. It took me back, made me nostalgic (I dead ass have poetry from 2002/15 years ago); and realize I have lost who I was as person and needed to return back to me. By me not writing about myself, my feelings, and thoughts from a personal basis/perspective, I wasn't being fully myself and true to myself. 

Keep in mind that I still do write poetry/songs now but it wasn't the same as back then.  Back then I wrote because it was urgent and immediate. I felt my feelings, wrote it down and then I moved on. It was a source of comfort and escape. Now writing poetry/songs sometimes feels like a chore. Not only that but my words linger and haunt me. Sometimes it's not a source of comfort, but a source of pain & reliving my pain. My words often being told through the lens of my 5 year plus battle with depression.

By the way writing from a personal level now won't be the same as back then. Right at this second this isn't me tripping on and getting stuck in the past. This isn't me romanticizing my past.  This is me acknowledging my past and who I WAS. This is me appreciating and reconciling with my past but at the same time me wanting to move forward and be present now and for my future. This is where astrology and my love for astrology comes in. 

Through life, my experiences, my depression and my interest and love for astrology I am constantly learning to be self-actualized and self aware. I originally got into astrology over 9 years ago; but I didn't get serious until I started college (2010), which was around the same time my depression started. Astrology became and still is my source of inspiration, comfort and joy. I love to learn and astrology was/is an extension of my love of knowledge and learning. I felt alienated/lost in college and I realize this was not a new feeling. All my life I've felt alienated/lost and also ashamed. I've hidden my true self away and astrology is helping me reignite and reunited with myself, but also with new awareness and intent. 

All this now is coming in full circle now because when I started to get deep into astrology, I hid my love for it. I was ashamed because it isn't socially accepted (mainstream culture see astrology lovers a dumb and crazy). But I was mostly ashamed because I was in love with it. 

By some warped mentality all my life I've felt like I had to hide the things I love, keep them close to my chest while at the same time keeping them as far away from me as possible. I did this with my song/poetry writing. I wrote often in secret; and would have died a million times over if someone read my words. AKA Killing me Softly With His Song Roberta Flack style. 

Keep in mind again I started to delve DEEP into astrology in 2010. From that point it took 3 years (2013) for me to openly express my love for astrology and to start writing about astrology online. It took 2016 for me to see/acknowledge a real pattern of shame, hiding, feeling unworthy, etc related to my writing about my feelings and what matters to me.

Now it's 2017 and I want to start a new chapter in my love for astrology and I want to share a deeper part of myself with you through blogging and astrology. This is random but I  got moon, friggin MOON in MY 3rd HOUSE. This placement is similar to Moon in Gemini. You know how frickin' hard it is not write and communicate 24/7 about my feelings about my natal chart. 

I also want to connect. Like again who the fuck is reading this blog? I didn't get to almost 25,000 views by myself. Like who the fuck are you? Like really I don't know if you relate to my blog topics (about American celebrities, pop culture and shit). Maybe people are not really reading or into this blog. But I fully don't believe that. Somebody must like this blog somewhere, even if they are liking and reading it from a small village in Slovakia.

I know my writing/topics seems superficial and shallow but it's not. I want to connect to others in other meaningful ways and hopefully with this project/blog/whatever it will be you get to see a deeper part of me while also understanding astrology from a deeper/personal level. Kinda like life imitating art, in this case, life imitating astrology..... well that kinda doesn't make sense. Imma stop here before this becomes a novel. ps. this is me Moon in the 3rd House rambling.

Originally written on: January 25th 2017

Introducing theastrofiend speaks project.

I've debated writing this blog post because it's different from my other blog posts and the content/subject of this blog. I've been thinking about this for a while (for a couple of months now); but now I have the guts (or stupidity) to actually speak (aka write) on it. This is literally blowing a cement hole through my stomach. I don't know if this is the right move but I gotta express myself and take a chance.

Lemme stop with the suspense and cut to the chase. As the title suggests I am introducing theastrofiend speaks project. This is not pre-mediated or pre-planned even though I've been thinking about this for a while. I wasn't planning on writing this blog post, now at 4:37 am or perhaps even at all. theastrofiend speaks project (working title by the way) is me expressing my deep dark raw personal thoughts and emotions about myself and my natal chart. Online, for the world wide web to see. So pretty much is me venting online about my natal chart.

I am not sure if this will just be one sad half ass blog post, a project, a separate blog, or if I will write my astrofiend speaks posts on here. I want to use and exercise my Moon in the 3rd House, Chiron in Leo in the 12th House, Uranus/Neptune/North Node in the 5th House energy. 

I am proud of my blog, this blog. I am proud and confident of my opinions and thoughts. Like I have  almost 25,000 views (without much social media promotion)!!!! Which sounds kinda crazy. 

I am  proud to share my passion and LOVE of astrology with you who ever you are. By the way I still have no idea who reads this blog. I get comments but it is mostly from butt-hurt people venting about how I am a hater, that I can't write, and this and that. I do get sweet comments that make my day too <3. Whatever the case whomever you are, who ever reads this first and foremost thank you and second make yourself known. I really wanna know who you are and where these almost 25,000 views are coming in from.

Overall I want to connect to others but also and more importantly to myself. 2016 taught me out with the old and in with the new. By the way I'm going to start writing an astrofiend speaks blog post directly after this. Got a lot on my mind and want to express it.

Anyways thank you and speak to you soon.

I HIT MY GOAL 20,000 VIEWS YESTERDAY!!!! THANK YOU WHOMEVER READS THIS BLOG!

I HIT MY GOAL 20,000 VIEWS YESTERDAY!!!! THANK YOU WHOMEVER READS THIS BLOG!

Mind you this is without promotion on Social Media (aka no Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter). I think only like 4 people in life know about this blog, so no bragging about how amazing my content/writing is.

Anyways thanks, tell your friends about MY BLOG. :)