theastrofiend speaks project 1.A

theastrofiend speaks project 1.A

Don't know where to start, being how new, scary and spontaneous this all is. I don't know if I can pinpoint the exact moment or thought form that made me take this step and reach out soo publicly  for this project?? :0 !!!!!. Like right now I have knots in my stomach and I feel like an ADHD beast within me that trying to be still. This feeling isn't one of excitement but more of a responsibility to myself and my natal chart.

I've honestly been thinking about this for years, perhaps even when I originally first started writing online almost four years ago (back in 2013). Btw I started this blog 2014, but didn't started seriously writing on here until 2015. 

Anyway as I just said the way I am feeling isn't excitement but more of a responsibility to myself and my natal chart. I feel I have a responsibility first as a writer, an aspiring creative professional to write from the heart. I mean I always write from the heart. Whatever words that I have typed are all me, no questions asked. Even so, apart of me felt like I had to stop myself from writing about myself, my feelings, and my thoughts from a personal basis/perspective.  Even though I secretly wanted to and craved to. Apart of me feels like I got to keep that part of myself hidden away, like I am ashamed or something.

Growing up I always wrote songs and poetry. At some point during adulthood my poetry and songwriting became less and less frequent. 2016 was HARD YEAR FOR ME. A lot of changes, disappointment, disillusionment, fear and bereavement at the core of me. Btw I was going through a Saturn in the 4th House transit (more on that later). Anyway towards the end of 2016, I took the time to sit down and organize my stuff. That's when I rediscover about hundred of my old songs/poetry that I have written. It took me back, made me nostalgic (I dead ass have poetry from 2002/15 years ago); and realize I have lost who I was as person and needed to return back to me. By me not writing about myself, my feelings, and thoughts from a personal basis/perspective, I wasn't being fully myself and true to myself. 

Keep in mind that I still do write poetry/songs now but it wasn't the same as back then.  Back then I wrote because it was urgent and immediate. I felt my feelings, wrote it down and then I moved on. It was a source of comfort and escape. Now writing poetry/songs sometimes feels like a chore. Not only that but my words linger and haunt me. Sometimes it's not a source of comfort, but a source of pain & reliving my pain. My words often being told through the lens of my 5 year plus battle with depression.

By the way writing from a personal level now won't be the same as back then. Right at this second this isn't me tripping on and getting stuck in the past. This isn't me romanticizing my past.  This is me acknowledging my past and who I WAS. This is me appreciating and reconciling with my past but at the same time me wanting to move forward and be present now and for my future. This is where astrology and my love for astrology comes in. 

Through life, my experiences, my depression and my interest and love for astrology I am constantly learning to be self-actualized and self aware. I originally got into astrology over 9 years ago; but I didn't get serious until I started college (2010), which was around the same time my depression started. Astrology became and still is my source of inspiration, comfort and joy. I love to learn and astrology was/is an extension of my love of knowledge and learning. I felt alienated/lost in college and I realize this was not a new feeling. All my life I've felt alienated/lost and also ashamed. I've hidden my true self away and astrology is helping me reignite and reunited with myself, but also with new awareness and intent. 

All this now is coming in full circle now because when I started to get deep into astrology, I hid my love for it. I was ashamed because it isn't socially accepted (mainstream culture see astrology lovers a dumb and crazy). But I was mostly ashamed because I was in love with it. 

By some warped mentality all my life I've felt like I had to hide the things I love, keep them close to my chest while at the same time keeping them as far away from me as possible. I did this with my song/poetry writing. I wrote often in secret; and would have died a million times over if someone read my words. AKA Killing me Softly With His Song Roberta Flack style. 

Keep in mind again I started to delve DEEP into astrology in 2010. From that point it took 3 years (2013) for me to openly express my love for astrology and to start writing about astrology online. It took 2016 for me to see/acknowledge a real pattern of shame, hiding, feeling unworthy, etc related to my writing about my feelings and what matters to me.

Now it's 2017 and I want to start a new chapter in my love for astrology and I want to share a deeper part of myself with you through blogging and astrology. This is random but I  got moon, friggin MOON in MY 3rd HOUSE. This placement is similar to Moon in Gemini. You know how frickin' hard it is not write and communicate 24/7 about my feelings about my natal chart. 

I also want to connect. Like again who the fuck is reading this blog? I didn't get to almost 25,000 views by myself. Like who the fuck are you? Like really I don't know if you relate to my blog topics (about American celebrities, pop culture and shit). Maybe people are not really reading or into this blog. But I fully don't believe that. Somebody must like this blog somewhere, even if they are liking and reading it from a small village in Slovakia.

I know my writing/topics seems superficial and shallow but it's not. I want to connect to others in other meaningful ways and hopefully with this project/blog/whatever it will be you get to see a deeper part of me while also understanding astrology from a deeper/personal level. Kinda like life imitating art, in this case, life imitating astrology..... well that kinda doesn't make sense. Imma stop here before this becomes a novel. ps. this is me Moon in the 3rd House rambling.

Originally written on: January 25th 2017