Disclaimer: This is an old ass blog post that I originally written around February/March 2017. It took me until now to finally put it out. Though some things have changed, still very relevant to me.
I went out tonight and it
was amazing. After a night out I am EXCITED BUT DRAINED. For the past 8 months
I avoided going out for a specific occasion. Anxiety and fear kept me indoors;
even though I knew going out would possibly help. 2016 took a piece of me that
I will be processing for a while (maybe forever?). The space of this lost piece
is temporarily occupied by this intense anxiety and fear.
Regardless I went out
tonight and I couldn’t help but notice that it kinda felt like a performance. I
went to a museum an artsy, non-formal, uber casual setting where polite
conversation, table manners, and attention to detail weren’t needed.
It felt like a
performance because the juxtaposition is I am depressed. Not only that but I am
a depressed self-aware Plutonian. FYI for those who don’t understand this
terminology Plutonian is those with high amounts of Scorpio or Pluto
placements. To give you a run-down of my Plutonian-ness
Sun conjunct Mercury in
Aries in the 8th House
Scorpio Moon in the 3rd
House
Mars Square Pluto
Pluto in Scorpio
Scorpio IC with Pluto (in
Scorpio) in the 4th House
Pluto Square Ascendant
Mercury semisquare Pluto
Plutonian energy means
something different to different people. Some people think the standard for
Plutonian energy is angry manic depressive, violent, sex crazed, suicidal drug
addicts with a dash of OCD and borderline personality disorder. This is SO NOT
ME. For me I express my Plutonian energy in more subdued, introverted, and introspective
ways.
I am also Saturnian but I
am more Plutonian than Saturnian. Do a Pullen chart from Astro.com to find your
chart dominants btw. Me being Saturnian plays a role and modifies my
Plutonian-ness. I also got Venus in Pisces and Mars & Venus in the 7th
House which I feel softens my Plutonian-ness.
Anyway I am deeply Plutonian and I move that
way. I am an INFJ (INFP on an off day). My Plutonian characteristics: Introverted,
Difficulty Letting Go of Pain and Past Hurts, Grudge holding, need HELLA SPACE
TO Reflect & Regenerate. Love of psychology, supernatural/other-worldly
topics and subjects. Etc.
Even so, I have a Leo
Rising with Jupiter on my Ascendant. My Jupiter is retrograde in Virgo, so I am
not swinging from the chandeliers but I’m also not a wallflower either. I like
presenting a happy, optimistic face. Btw this isn’t me faking emotions or not
being true to myself. When I am out, I am out and I leave the misery home. I am
engaged, making jokes, and being fully in the moment. My Sun is conjunct
Mercury in Aries; so like duh.
I turn on the charm,
hence the performance aspect of it. What’s the point of going out and being
with others if you’re going to be a miserable asshole? Stay home and sulk. There’s
this weird confidence and energy attached to going out. I feel less self-aware,
and self-conscious. I am open and free.
The discord can come when
I come home and settle in. I turn it off and delve into my Plutonian-ness. The
anxiety, fear, and need to be alone creeps in. FYI too many nights out, too
many spaces where I feel like I HAVE to play a role (aka hanging with extended
family, dinners, formal occasions) FREAKS ME OUT. As I get older I need more
freedom and I thrive in non-formal settings that allow me to be myself. My best
settings are art, music, nature, traveling, and academic settings. Places that
are experimental and non-judgmental in nature.
Like does this make me
less Plutonian? Is there a standard Plutonian behavior that all Plutonians must
abide by? That’s not really a question btw. Fuck no, you can like Keeping up
with the Kardashians, Hot Pink, and Hallmark Channel and still be an intense
Plutonian. Fuck da rules!!!
Random but I feel certain
members of my generation (Pluto in Scorpio) are subconsciously trying to out
Pluto intensity each other. Like the more depressed and fucked up you are the
better and more generationally accepted it is. Some people enjoy being victimize
and playing victim. I know that’s a bit weird to say but just pay attention to
the 21-33 age group and see what I am saying.
Transpersonal Lesson
Anyway my whole point in
all of this is I am understanding my Leo Ascendant more. The ascendant is all
about our life outlook and the face we show to the world. I used to think it’s
just a mask; but it isn’t. Mask makes it seems like we are wearing our
ascendants JUST for show, just for a performance and are faking it. The
ascendant is a part of who we are, it isn’t a prop, even those sometimes it
feels like a performance. It’s a part of me, an appendage that I can adjust
accordingly.
I view the ascendant as a game show host with life being the game. Bright sparkly (or not lolz) game show host personality that steps out onto the world with a unique set of goals and experiences.
The ascendant as a game show host uses it's personality to make connections/socialize, ask guests questions, get information and knowledge, and complete game's (aka life) goal.
The ascendant sign perhaps is the type of game, a particular person is interested in or wants to play in. Planets on the ascendant modifies the game (life).
The ascendant as a game show host can also be seen as a tour guide. A spiritual tour guide, your soul/spirit road map, etc. Yes the ascendant plays a role and sometimes wears a "mask." But the ascendant game show host is there to guide you, keep you on track, and make sure you complete your purpose.
A perfect example is what happens when the ascendant game show host gets home after a long day's work. They settle in, remove their uniform, but they go to bed knowing that they learned something new that day, experienced something different, and that tomorrow they can do it again.
The ascendant game show host is like a job too. Some of us have to wear uniforms to work, some of us don't. Regardless of our uniforms (aka masks), we are not hiding (most of the time anyway). I would say that yes sometimes ascendant may appear and feel like a mask. But it depends on the juxtaposition and different nuances in your natal chart. My chart is nuanced to me for a lot of reasons, but the most basic and nuanced reason is I'm a Plutonian/Saturnian mix with Leo Rising and Jupiter on this rising. Leo is bright, fun, and optimistic, my Plutonian/Saturnian mix is dark, serious, and semi-realistic, so at times I feel like I am not being true to myself, and performing.
Regardless our ascendant is our responsibility to our natal charts and to our soul's purpose. My ascendant is like my spirit guide aka game show host. It moves me and allows me to experience the world, my world with lenses/shades that I don’t get to wear every day or all the time. It another way that makes me not only feel unique but also connected. Connected to myself, the world around me, and my chart.
Like what is your rising
sign? How do you present yourself to your world? How does you rising sign
relate to the rest of you chart.
