Why your Sign Ain't Shit: Leo Edition

 This post is overdue, even though I wrote it as a draft over a month ago. A strange fuck-up indeed....


Anyway diving right in, Leo’s don’t give a shit about you. They don’t give a shit about anything, except themselves. I know how “unoriginal” but it’s’ true. Unless its’ you talking about how great they are, they could care less if you get hit by a bus (make sure not to get blood stains on their clothes.

A Leo's worst nightmare!

Of course this is all on the surface. In reality Leos’ are insecure, they don’t care about you, but they care about your opinion of them. Fucked up, but true.

Leos’ don’t take criticism well AT ALL. They pretend like they do, they pretend that they are listening, but they are only waiting for you to shut your hater ass up, so they can speak. Leos’ perfect the art of pretending to give a shit when they don’t. This in turn makes them fake and dishonest. They will bite their tongues, and hold in how they really feel, so they don’t appear like the arrogant narcissists that they are.

Not the gentle Lion anymore

The minute you “disrespect” (I use that term lightly, because anything can offend a Leo) a Leo they will show their true colors, and become dramatic, dogmatic, and cruel egomaniacs.

By the way Leos are the ones that invented the term “hater”. If you disagree with them (even if it’s constructive and justified) you are a hater. 



If you don’t compliment them and tell them how special they are constantly, you are a hater (and jealous). Common words they use in arguments: hater, jealous, selfish, and obsessed. Don’t believe me, piss them the fuck off and listen.

We as me, myself, and I

Anyway this is why Leo, you ain’t shit!

The Astrology of Other Popular Commercial Characters

If you are curious on my opinion on other popular commercial characters astrology makeup. Other than why I hate Jan. This is based on the character they play, not the actor themselves.

Flo from Progressive Insurance

Yup she is on drugs!

Sun in Aquarius, moon in Sagittarius (or vice versa)

Why? She represents the fun, quirky, slightly bizarre side of Aquarius unlike Jan (the fucking evil robot). Plus she seems happy all the time which A. can be because she is on drugs or B. because Sags (whatever the placement is always on drugs).


The black guy that played the president on 24 that’s in the Allstate commercial

He crashes into your panty drawer when you call that number ;)

Sun in Pisces, moon in Capricorn

Why? He is boring and straight to the point typical Capricorn trait (even though I like him and his panty dropping voice). BTW the Mayhem Douchehat guy is an Aries. Anyway Mr. Tall Dark and AllState always seem to just appear out of nowhere and seems oh so sensitive (Pisces trait). BTW he's a secret panty dropper on the low, low

Wendy from Wendy’s

Bitch, I am better than you! My salad is fresher than you

Sun in Leo, moon in Gemini

Why? I actually like her, Leo’s are fun and likable (when they are not being egotistic attention hogging cunts J ) BTW the actress that plays Wendy (Morgan Smith Goodwin) is a Leo.

Trivago Guy from Trivago

Don't let him walk behind you, #SoreAss

Something in Scorpio, something in Capricorn and something in Gemini

Why? He is fucking creepy (Scorpio trait). I don’t get why people find him hot. He literally looks like his sperm cells are dying. Don’t know why but he manages to look both young (Gemini trait) and old (Capricorn trait) at the same time (mostly old though). Scorpio is ruled by Pluto and Pluto is the one of the big bad dogs in astrology (along with Capricorn/Saturn). Pluto rules over scary shit, and nothing is more scary than that Trivago guy’s five o clock shadow and derpy button-down shirt.

The Black Guy from the Old Spice Commercial

Literally drying up looking at this picture

Something in Scorpio, something in Leo, something in Aquarius

Why? He is not sexy, but he is hilarious (Leo/Aquarius). He makes trying to be and look sexy, not sexy at all but very funny instead (something a sarcastic Scorpio placement can do). You would think because he has a nice body, an ok face, he would be sexy, but no. It’s probably his weird ass name and his dumb ass facial hair.

Lastly The Most Interesting Man in the World for Dos Equis beer

You just know these Thots are thirsty for his old ass

Something in Libra and Capricorn

Why? Even though he is an old fart, there is something charming, cool (Libra) and refined/manly (Capricorn) with this character. Plus I have no doubt that the actual actor in the commercial did all the stuff in real life that he did in the commercials. Plus he’s probably the only one, other than Based God where other men offer their women up to him.

Cancer Celebrity Archetype That Ain’t Shit: Renee Graziano

There are a lot of Cancer (and Cancer influenced) celebrities and famous people that are not shit. By the way I don't hate them personally (I don't even know them) or think that they are talent-less. Just feel they are sooo full of shit that they are not the shit at all. Moving away from this, as I just said there are a lot of Cancer (and Cancer influenced) celebrities and famous people that are not shit. Just at the top of my head, I can list Lindsey Lohan and Courtney Love. Cancer as a zodiac sign can just be a straight up mess. 

Anyway I am going to steer clear of these celebrities (too predictable) and focus on one person. This person will not be considered a "celebrity" in the traditional sense, but the shoe fits. This person is Renee Graziano from the Vh1 reality TV series Mob Wives. She is a Cancer born on July 11th, and she is bat-shit cray cray. I haven't been keeping up with Mob Wives since they added those girls from Chicago, but from what I gather, she is the perfect Cancer Archetype. 

Go on YouTube and watch clips of her constant meltdowns. By the way she isn't my favorite reality show star or even my favorite among the Mob Wives (personally, Aquarius Drita, and Gemini Big Ang are my favorites).

Even so, I had to make this post because she is ULTRA Cancer to the point where I can practically see her pincers. Emotional, clingy, etc. By the way check out these uber Cancer GIFS and pictures from her:

Evidence 1: Cancer loves Food

Evidence 2: She is emotional

Evidence 3: She's protective

By the way, I suspect she has something in Leo (perhaps a Leo Mars or Mercury?), that makes her a bit "EXTRA"

Random clip of Renee being choked out by Drita (I had to)

Gemini Celebrity That Ain’t Shit Archetype: Igloo Australia aka Iggy Azalea

Yes I did just call her Igloo Australia. Yes I know her "name is Iggy Azalea" (to all you pseudo Iggy Stans). I just think Igloo is a funnier name. Anyway I don't actually hate Iggy at all. Her "Fancy" song was cute and catchy (along with Pu$$y and Work. I am not bandwagon hater. That said..........

I do feel she sucks at rapping and does not represent hip-hop at all. Go watch this video of her rapping and try to clap back. .............. I am waiting........... 

Also after seeing several interviews with her, she has no personality what so ever. She seems like a nice girl (maybe too nice). But hip hop is not nice. It's angry, aggressive, in your face, and it has a message. 

I am sure she may have a message but who cares. Her novelty has wore off and she's back to being a grain of sand in a huge beach. The only reason I think she got all the hype and attention is because she is a white girl rapper from Australia (btw a moon in Sagittarius and Jupiter exalted in Cancer does help!). She was anomaly in the rap game and easy on the eyes. Now she is just a tall amazon who is boring and has no personality.

Two Words: "No Edges"

BTW I would've written this post about the other Gemini Azealia, Azealia Banks (who is bat-shit crazy), but she can rap, and has some form of individuality/talent/creativity. The same goes for Oh No West (my nickname for Kanye West).

Iggy should really stick to being a model.

Why your Sign Ain't Shit: Cancer Edition

Cancer is the epitome of butthurtness. So much so, that it puts Scorpio to shame. Here is the definition of butt-hurt in the dictionary:

 

Butt-hurt: noun:  An archetype of the zodiac sign, Cancer and all water signs

Synomns: Scorpio, Pisces, water signs, moon, Drake

Look, Mom, I am stuntin' with my boys!

Not only that, but there is a picture of Drake next to this definition. Side note: Though he is a Super Scorpio (with sun, mercury, venus, and pluto in Scorpio) he has moon in Cancer, which pretty much means he’s inherit the Butt-hurt gene (to the maximum degree). Generally water signs all possess the butt-hurt gene.

Anyway aside from the butt-hurtness, Cancers are moody forever pms-ing (men included) needy sissy-pants. Cancers are always crying, always moody, always venting, like shut the fuck up.

There are only two things a Cancer is good for. One is body warmth (generally this is because they are lazy home-bodied fat fucks, plus Cancer women have big titties).

The second thing is food (they are bomb ass cookers). Cancers are good cooks because they have unhealthy obsession with their family, particularly their mother, to the point where it borders incest. 

I bet if a Cancer’s mom was cremated, 
that Cancer will have sex with her ashes.

The Irony of this photo is that rapper 50 cent is a Cancer.

Cancer will do anything for their family and close ones, including killing for them (or killing them). Though Cancers are sissies, the oxymoron is they are also secretly violent and thuggish. I read somewhere that Cancer makes up the most arrests for violent crimes (crime of passion).

The moon (aka luna) rules over the sign Cancer. Luna aka Lunatic, these people are the real nuts of the zodiac and are bat-shit crazy. Don’t mess with them because as a cardinal water sign they are liable to do something.

 If you haven’t yet realized this Cancers, these are the reasons why your sign ain’t shit.

Why your Sign Ain't Shit: Gemini Edition

THE TRUTH

Gemini, gemini, gemini, gemini. I think there should be a new mental disorder, called Gemini. this disorder is a mixture of bipolar disorder, depression, schizophrenia, dissociative personality disorder, borderline personality, AHDH, hypochondriac etc.. Well no etc. just look through the DSM V, retitle it and label it “Gemini” and you will perfectly describe Gemini.

By the way I wrote Gemini four times because I am talking to all of Gemini’s split personalities and their split personalities’ personalities. I won't even get to their split personalities’ personalities' personalities.

Gemini is that sign that is everywhere. Look through various online sites and boards and you will find at least one username that has “Gemini” in it. Whether it be Sexygemini1, da/gemini-bitch, geminiluv1. Gemini is one the few signs that is everywhere, talks the most, annoys people the most, and still manages to be incognito. There game puts Scorpio to shame. #no shade.

The funniest thing about it is that Gemini DOES NOT AT ALL try to be incognito. They actually do the opposite. They talk too much, gossip, reveal everything about themselves. Whether it be about their various sex tapes and ratchet sex-escapades that they are self-promoting, various stays in mental institutions and DUIs’ arrests that they are bragging about. all the drugs, alien abductions, and zany, crazy shit that they been through. Gemini's literally have a NONE, LITERALLY ZERO SECRETS. But at the same time, you happen to not know nothing about them. AT ALL

It’s like their words enter into this black hole. Whatever words they spew is sucked into this large cosmic vacuum cleaner that cleans up whatever the fuck they threw up on us. As quickly as words enters the atmosphere, the quicker it disappears. This is called the “Gemini Black Hole Effect”.

This is part of what makes them so mental. They are frustrated because they know that whatever they say or do no matter how crazy, disturbing and bizarre it will be forgotten and lost.

You have to remember Gemini is ruled by mercury (messenger of the gods, god of communication). They live to communicate, communication is there water and air. Even so, due to the “Gemini Black hole Effect”, they realize that whatever they say or do, it just gets sucked in. This drives them mad. So they try different ways to communicate; which includes resorting to trickery. Claiming to have twin selves (which is true but no one ever believes them). People assume Gemini’s are crazy. Maybe they are, maybe they aren't but you will never know.  The more people don't believe in their words, the more they talk and communicate, which overall makes them even more misunderstood and mysterious. It is like talking without sound.

Even on the rare occasion that people do listen and their words don’t get trapped in the black hole, it is still hard to understand what the fuck a Gemini is saying. It is the fact that Gemini’s words and speech patterns sounds like a warbled mix of that guy in smart guy with the robotic voice in the wheelchair, Stephen Hawking, Busta Rhymes and Cheryl Cole. It just throws people the fuck off. 

Combine the robotic voice of Stephen Hawking, the speed of Busta Rhymes words, and the cute, but hard to follow Geordie accent of Cheryl Cole, and you've got Gemini

PS if you haven’t realize this, Gemini this is why your sign ain’t shit.

Taurus Celebrity That Ain’t Shit Archetype: Lena Dunham

Squat down and be the shit that you are!

To go along with the Taurus ain’t shit post I did, here is an example of a Taurus Celebrity Archetype that ain’t shit. I personally don’t care for Lena Dunham (I don’t even have time or any fucks to hate her), but a lot of people hate her (probably cuss she’s weird, plus people love body shaming her). 

I can understand why, I mean she has a dogmatic Taurus sun and a perpetually butt-hurt Cancer moon. BTW I don’t watch Girls (though I have occasionally googled sex scenes from that show, aka curiosity is a disappointing bitch), plus I read an article about when she was child she discovered pebbles in her little sister’s VAGINA.  

This is just wrong smh

Anyway I think it is funny and quite ironic that a Taurus like Dunham has  an eating ass scene in her show and I mentioned in my Taurus ain’t Shit post about ass eating.

  

I am sure Lena has eaten a lot of ass.

BONUS "Enjoy" a random picture of Taurus (not Aries), Hitler.

Why your Sign Ain't Shit: Taurus Edition

Taurus after a food, sex, and/or shopping binge.

If Taurus was one of the 7 deadly sins, it will probably be sloth. Oops I meant gluttony. No I mean greed. Fuck I am sure its lust. Holy shit it could be all 7. Taurus (similar to Scorpio) is an undercover fucked up sign that masks itself by such bullshit traits like pleasure seekers, beauty lovers, steady, persistent, and blahhhhhhhhhhhh. I’m here to tell you that’s bullshit. 

Ain't Shit Nekkid: Taurus Fuckboy Alert

They are dogmatic lazy fat fucks that only roll off the couch for money, sex, and food. They are the ones that probably want their booty eaten like groceries. Not to mention Tauruses will eat your ass among many other things.

Analingus Sexy: Taurus, how does your E coli taste?

Their mission in life is to amass as much money, material possessions, sex partners and food while pretending to do shit. When we all know they ain’t doing shit. Their stubbornness and the fact that they are “practical,” that hurts more then it helps them. 

Silence!....Bitch, I was speaking?

Prime example is Hitler, who’s a fucking Taurus (and not an Aries, for all you pseudo astrology ass-hatted experts who really don’t know shit about anything). 

Taurus are stubborn (really mentally backwards), materialistic, sex addicts tyrants who’s the only sign out of the 11 other signs that annoys the shit out of me without actually doing anything. 

U MAD?

PS if you haven’t realize this, Taurus this is why your sign ain’t shit.

Why Your Sign Ain't Shit: Series

Why Your Sign Ain't Shit: Series

An Undiplomatic perspective on why your sun sign ain't shit?

I am creating a series. For each month, I am going to write about how your zodiac sign, ain’t shit. Pretty much the definition in my book of ain’t shit, is something that is basic, sucks, and soo full of shit, that it isn’t actually shit at all. The logic of that last statement is funky, but think of it kinda like a double negative. Two negatives cancels each other out. Anyway, I am going to be, beginning with Taurus.

I’m Back I Says To Apparently No One Welp!

What you said bitch?

Hey I am back. I first started this blog back in January 2014 and look how great that went. As you can see I didn't post shit. To be honest I was either busy, miserable or lazy as fuck. Mostly lazy as fuck.

Anyway, I am trying this again. This time with a new perspective and style, that includes writing in a bolder, blunt, and fun way (kinda like my sexy ass brain). I want you to read all about my ongoing obsession with astrology. Basically I am a fiend, like Tyrone Biggums waiting for my next hit. Except unlike Tyrone, sadly it isn't crack, but instead ideas about astrology, people, popular culture, music, and all that shit that's stuck in my head. 

BTW I am gonna say things that's gonna offend people but look at that, there goes all the fucks I give, dammit! 

Anyway, if you're an astrofiend like me I hope you enjoy this blog. If you aren't a fan or believer in astrology, I respect you. Sike! go eat a butt.

I says to my imaginary and currently non-existent blog readers.